It’s hard to let go of the things which make you happy. At the same time, it’s hard to endure the pain of holding on them for too long. This contradictions are faced by many people, and most of them end up loosing themselves just to protect their beloved.
It’s been a day after I walked away from him. Things were so disorganized and I always end up crying. I don’t really know if it was my fault for misunderstanding stuff, or it was his fault to misunderstand my feelings.
It all started last Wednesday morning. It started with a simple text message from another girl named Che-Che. I listened to his faulty explanation and didn’t believe it. Logically, he shouldn’t ask somebody about the location of the manager especially if she was the previous employer. She’s calling him “bhie”, a shorter version of “baby” here in the Philippines.
He exerted some effort to make me feel better the next day. He’s the sweetest again. Until that afternoon.. I was crying again, knowing that he called the girl last night while I was at work. He just left me in the room and said he’ll sleep downstairs. He walked away.
That night, I decided to make things right. If it was a non-sense doubt, I’ll stop being doubtful about his loyalty. When I went home after work, which is already Friday morning, he’s ignoring me, until I end up crying again. Before he left for his work, he hugged me tight and said everything’s alright.
Saturday went fine. I still feel something’s not right, so I’m still so depressed. It’s however my mistake to enjoy the pleasure of that night. Reconciliation sex, as usual.. I don’t know but I feel so sad after that and I cried and cried and cried. He was just there, hugging me tight and telling me to stop. I tried harder to stop crying, but when he tightens his grip on me, I’m getting more depressed, thinking that it might be the last time that I can hold him that close.
It was early Sunday morning when I checked his phone. There are four messages from somebody named Susie. The contents are flirtatious texts to him. I remembered the morning when this girl called him and called him the same special endearment. I’m so pissed off, so I decided to get the number and confront the girl. I asked for her details, name and work, but she don’t want to answer anything. I called her and just asked her again about her name and if he knows him. She told me I must ask him and not her.
That time, he’s listening to my conversation. I’m pretty sure he can see how pissed and angry I am while that bitch is on the line. But still, the girl answered nothing. He snatched my phone and checked my messages. He got furious, telling me that I shouldn’t have called the girl.
He just walked out of the door, leaving me hanging. After taking a bath, he tossed his phone to me, telling me that I should call Che-Che too to stop all my rants. To confirm that he’s not having any extra-marital affairs. However, I didn’t dare to touch his phone. I just hid myself under the pillow and continue my silent sobs until he left for work. Later, he sent a text message telling me that Sussie is his boss, the OIC of the company he’s working for. Bothered about his work, he told me that I should apologize to that damn woman!
The fucking thing about me is, I texted the dearest OIC and said sorry. She told me that he didn’t tell them that I exist. Now I know. Girls are mingling since they knew he’s free and available. Sluts! She said sorry, too. I said he knows nothing about my intention to confront her and she shouldn’t attach this issue to his work. However, I can sense the disappointment in her text message when I told her and confirmed that he’s not available.
Now, I moved out of our house, but I can’t help but think about him. I want to come back to his arms and just forget what happened. But I can’t just do that. With all the hanging questions in my mind, I can’t decide if I still want to pursue the relationship, or end it this way.
I want to believe that he can’t betray me. I know he just can’t. It’s however true that people change. Feelings change. He could’ve hidden his other girls from me when I’m not living with him. Now that every hidden secret is already discovered, we’re full of anger. We’re hiding from each other. He don’t even care if where I am. If I am safe. He never asked where I stayed since he knows that I have nowhere to run to. I’m so depressed. And it’s killing me.
I can’t wait for Thursday to come. I want to see him and arrange the conflict. I want to let him go if necessary. I want to fix the mess that I “made”. I don’t want to end this relationship just because of my doubts, but it’s clear that he can’t do anything to make me feel better. He’s turning away. I feel like he don’t like me anymore.
My friends share the pain that I am having, and I’m so thankful that they’re here. At the same time, I thank my aunt and cousins, for understanding my situation. I’m laughing. I can smile, but my heart is weeping. I can’t help it anymore. The next days will come and I’ll continue to torture myself as I prepare the things that I have to say. I have to make things fine, whether we end up together or not.